daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I’m having an out of money experience.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.