“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Me irl
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.