Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.