Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
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ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.