I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice