I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
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The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista