Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
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I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.