Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
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A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I love you to the refrigerator and back
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one