If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
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Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
i spent way too long on this
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again