You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
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I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
you will never know the true number of layers
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.