DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..