Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Love this guy
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.