Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly