First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.