A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.