trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too