me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
just witnessed a drug deal
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too