My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
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Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi