Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My birthstone is kidney
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.