[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”