There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since