If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
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A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
When you’ve simply given up.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie