What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony