If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”