Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
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Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
The first one, obviously
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared