My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
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Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.