*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me My dog
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library