I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.