Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.