My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
You Might Also Like
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..