Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
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men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
this came to me in a vision
These are my emotional support Pringles.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is