Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge