My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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S/o to @funTweeters .
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?