Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.