[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: ππ
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Whenever Π wake up and see that someone has wrΡtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, Π assume they are a mornΡng drΡnker.
All spots are catβs spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Boss: Itβs Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why Iβm-
Boss: Thatβs why youβre working.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: βCan you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?β I had to hand it to him, I didnβt think of that ππππ
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
the noise i just made
them: Iβll call you, weβll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You canβt have both.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Iβll take a rum β¦β¦β¦ and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
Itβs my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that momβs gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us π₯΄
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, letβs just get you to the moon.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.