I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.