All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
nature’s most graceful animal
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”