I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.