Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.