I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
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