[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
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*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.