3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’