I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
But wait…
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso