Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
This one’s “Alex”.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”