Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I triple waxed for this?