1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
shut up and take my money
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?