Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes