“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
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[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Someone just threatened to call me later
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Worth the read.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!