[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.