me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
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Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?